I was just starting to relax. I had dropped my son off at a treatment center, a center I knew would be just what he needed. We had the intervention, we had the plan, we gave the choice - take it or leave it. He went.
Ten hours later, he left. He left to the streets with no ID, no money, in a state he'd never stepped foot in, knowing nobody, no phone. Lost!
My mind immediately went into fear! I lost my son. He's a John Doe. I made it worse. I never should have insisted he go there. Just feeling powerless. Now what? What was clear is I was losing me to fear, to my imagination, to worst case scenarios, and I was losing my son there too. I was essentially putting him into all those stories. As if I knew? None of it I knew for sure, but that didn't stop the stories ... yet. Thankfully, I also knew some tools to find clarity, to find calm, to find what would turn out to be the greater truths, even when my son was seemingly lost.
I held all that fear, I chose the thoughts that were the most painful first, and I questioned them. I have found The Work of Byron Katie to really help me through fear, actually it found me, but that's another story. The Work gives me a process to see all the perspectives available to me, and turn fear upside down and all around. On the other side of fear is the love that will transcend and overcome the fears only too pervasive and frequent when addiction shows up too. And love holds me and guides me to reconnect and find me, and find my son.
He's lost? I could believe that as the only story, but there's more to that story that is just as true, even truer. My son is clearly in my my heart, he's in the gratitude I can find and name, he's in my faith and trust that he is God's, he is in the unknowns and his own path and journey between him and God. When I get out of God's business, I can join Him and be led into my own business of taking care of me and my fear and doing the next thing that makes sense. My son is in the stillness, I can hold him safe in my heart and send him love through the airwaves, he is a part of my very being - separate but not separate. As if he could ever be lost there, it just impossible! He is in how I choose to think of him and the choices I make to navigate this fear and situation. He is in photos, he is in other people's children, he is in members of my family, in my friends, he is in my God given calling and purpose for healing and sharing recovery starting with my own, he is in my prayers for strength and trust, he is in the love I grow and give (not in the love I receive back).
It was a few days before my son made contact. Wherever he was he was not lost. It turned out he was only lost in my stories. He was where he was, doing what was happening, and God had him no matter what happened or could happen. I just don't get a vote on it all. I may not like it, but it is the reality of things. The reality of things is that I don't have that power to claim him as my own and to know all these things. And, I do know a God who will use it all powerfully for purpose.
I found my son physically, yes and with so much gratitude. The greater truth revealed that has stayed with me is that he is always in my heart, and always with God. That is the safest place for him to be, and the safest place for me to get to, so I can love him well, no matter where he is or how he is. Love will hold us both and remain. When I consider unconditional love, this is what it means for me. Truly no condition that I get what I want, when I want it, if ever. I get what I get and love will show up there too.
Would I choose this path to peace? Probably not. But it is the path that has chosen me. And it has certain realities to it, and great purpose too. If called to love, it is this unconditional love that calls to me to find it, and do whatever possible to put myself in it. Not an easy task to drop all my conditions, but so worthwhile.
If it was not worthwhile, if I was not worthy of it, and surely my son is worthy of it, these ways would not be present and available. There's be some other lesson. This lesson is how I find my son whatever the condition. The other way of being stuck in fear is just too painful. It feels far more peaceful, kinder and loving to make the choice to question all this fear than to give my son to the fear where surely he would be lost to me.
Perhaps it's by feeling lost sometimes that we are actually found, and especially when we allow ourselves to be found and seek to find our way back. The way takes courage and some effort, and it will reveal a love that transcends addiction and fears.
If I am to feel lost again, if I am to ever believe my son is lost to me, thank God literally for the guidance and inspiration find my way back again to love. And that is where my son will always be found too. That is where we all can be found.
Weeds or Wishes ?