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Reflections

Who knows?  How that can be a good thing.

7/29/2022

2 Comments

 
Have you ever found yourself frustrated that you really want something but it’s just so hard to make it happen?  And maybe once you start a new goal, something happens and your best intentions are out the window?  

How about these scenarios?  I want to lose weight and I want to eat those cookies;  I want to exercise or go to the gym and I don’t want to or can’t wake up early to fit it in; I want to go to Europe and I don’t want to spend the money;  I want to switch jobs and I don’t want to shake up my life right now;  I want to stop using substances and I don’t want to give up the thing that is reliable and available and helps me through the day.

Notice the “and”.  Notice how it is very possible to want something new, want some kind of change AND to also want something that will make it really hard to get it.  This brings us to topic #3 from The Invitation to Change Approach ~ Ambivalence is Normal.  Here’s an overview for your consideration:

Ambivalence is Normal
  • Wanting two conflicting things is actually normal.
  • When habits are formed in our behaviors, body memory and mental memory can be automatic for many reasons.  They’re familiar.  These habits aren’t just erased because we want something else.  We still might want those cookies!
  • Substance use as a habit met or meets the wants and needs.  It is true that using substances gets the job done, many of them.  Rather than argue with the reality of it, it is far better to acknowledge the truth of it and then figure out next steps and choices.

Why it matters that Ambivalence is Normal
  • When you’re trying to make sense of your child’s ambivalence it’s not a shock and can help you stay calm, open-minded, and curious. When you hear your child’s opposing remarks or observe the conflicting messages in their behavior instead you can meet it with understanding.
  • It will help you listen, help you respond with understanding and empathy, help you hear between the lines of how your child may still want the change even though the old behavior showed up. 
  • It will help you be encouraging rather than accusatory, arguing, and blaming. 
  • It will help you re-connect and re-mind you that your truer intention is to connect with and help your child.  Added benefit is that you will feel so much better showing up this way.
​
Life Application Ideas from Joanne:
  • Notice how we are all so similar and can be ambivalent with big changes in our lives.  Relate with your child from this truth and with compassion for yourself and them.
  • Practice the Pause.  Breathe, slow it down, set an intention for calm connection, do what it takes to show up that way.
  • Replace an old behavior with a new behavior that is simple and doable with a desired benefit.  Let’s call that a positive pay off.
  • Acknowledge that change is possible, it will take effort, it is doable, even though it might be unfamiliar and uncomfortable. 
  • Rather than repeating the mantra “change is hard”, turn it around to “change is very possible” AND specify the ways it is doable, what you’ll need to achieve that change, who can support you, and how to return to your efforts if you return to an old habit. It’s ok, and can be a natural part of change!
  • Everything changes, repeatedly bring yourself back to present, come back to facts and out of your imagined future and remembered past.  Now is where change happens and that is what changes the future.  Focus on now. 

I invite you to consider with an open mind, open heart, and with compassion how behaviors, emotions, attitudes actually make sense – in others and in yourself - and how there are many roads to travel, many ways to travel those roads, that we all have our unique perspective and thoughts about what will work for us, when and how AND even with the best intentions we might get sidetracked.  Consider it's OK, put the puppy back on the paper and begin again.  The time is always NOW. 

Breathe, touch your heart, feel the love in you, send it out to your child, to the world, to anyone who needs it. 

Love wins here!

To learn more about The Invitation to Change Approach and access additional resources, please click here:  https://cmcffc.org/about

To Peace and Possibility!

​Joanne

2 Comments

The Size of Addiction - What Size Are You?

7/22/2022

0 Comments

 
You know how it feels to want your child to heal, to recover, to make sense, to “get it” – but they don’t?  Of course you know what would help them, if only they did it!  And when they don’t, it can look like waves of anxiety, resentment, anger, disgust, exhaustion, depression, a sick to the stomach aching.  A wanting things different asap can quickly have us seeking control in sneaky kind of ways.  Sound kind of familiar?

Last week we discussed “Behaviors Make Sense” from The Invitation to Change Approach.  The truth is that using substances fills a purpose, using meets various wants and needs.  Sometimes it becomes as important as getting your next breath, or stopping excruciating physical or emotional pain.  Our thoughts and physical needs can have us giving into temptation in an instant, now add to that an addiction and it begins to make more sense.

Considering that behaviors make sense may not necessarily make it easy for you to withstand, but instead it can make it easier to understand and therefore actually help you to determine next steps.  Let’s continue to seek understanding. For where there is understanding, there can be peace and reconnection to love and relationship.

Topic #2:

One Size Doesn’t Fit All 
  • Every one is different.  We have different qualities, personalities, wants and needs.
  • Being told what to do, especially without a connected safe relationship, or when it feels like it's someone else's time or way (let's call that feeling controlled),  just doesn’t work for sustainable change.
  • We all like to have the power of choice.  Let's face it, having options and choices feels better than stuck in one way without choices.

Why One Size Doesn’t Fit All Matters?
  • Understanding your own strengths and needs helps you to identify your priorities.  Understanding that your child may have very different wants and needs that makes sense to them is critical to connect with them.
  • Connection strengthens relationships.  Relationships create the foundation for communication.  Communication nurtures possibilities for change (and it would most probably begin with you, and feel good too).
  • Being open minded allows you to collaborate, to offer without latching onto end results, can help you to consider all perspectives and options, to develop patience and provide the kind of supports that may inspire change (most certainly in you and maybe for your child too).
​
Life Application Ideas
  • Write a list of your own strengths
  • Write a list of your child’s strengths
  • Consider what it would look like in you and from you to create the conditions for safe relationships, calm, compassion, curious communication, collaboration, understanding (not necessarily agreement), patience, delaying or releasing outcomes in order to develop connection
  • Talk about topics other than the struggles, other than addiction
  • Look for and reinforce the good
  • Help yourself by accessing support and resources
  • Help your child if and when receptive to access supports and resources towards health
  • Help your child explore what might feel right for them, what works for them and why, what strengths they think they have
​
“The advice you’ve been giving your family and friends turns out to be advice for you to live, not us. Become a student of yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
 
I’ll send some more information about The Invitation to Change next week.  Until then, I invite you to consider with an open mind, open heart, with compassion how behaviors, emotions, attitudes actually make sense – in others and in yourself - and how there are many roads to travel, many ways to travel those roads, that we all have our unique perspective and thoughts about what will work for us, when and how. 

Breathe, touch your heart, feel the love in you, send it out to your child, to the world, to anyone who needs it. 

Love wins here!

To learn more about The Invitation to Change Approach and access additional resources, please click here:  https://cmcffc.org/about

To Peace and Possibility!

​Joanne
0 Comments

We surely need what works!

7/15/2022

0 Comments

 
The confusion, struggles, and stress while loving a child through their own challenges with substance use can claim your energies, your happiness, your peace, right?  We need tools, methods, practices, skills that work.  Read on for some of those! 

For the next few months, I’ll be sharing with you a bit about each of the topics of The Invitation to Change Approach.  The ITC (Invitation to Change) takes the best science has to offer, including compassion, and makes it easy to understand and put into action.
 
It can work for the relationship with your child AND any relationship, even the relationship with yourself.

I invite you to consider inviting change into your heart, into your relationships, into your life.  You may be surprised that “change” is not as hard as one might believe. 
 
When I learn and practice new strategies that actually work (and those are the only ones I share), it brings more peace, it de-escalates tension, it increases my confidence, it strengthens my intention to show up in my life and for my son in ways that help us both.
 
You are invited to more peace. 

Topic #1  ~  Behaviors Make Sense

Behaviors make sense in some way. People use substances because it serves a purpose. You don’t have to like it, probably won’t, but arguing with the reality of it will cause more stress.  Instead, seek to understand.
 
Some reasons why people use substances or engage in related behaviors.  I invite you to consider with compassion and kindness why any of us would reach for anything to accomplish the following:

  • To feel less anxiety
  • To relieve depression
  • To feel connected to something or someone
  • To not suffer with physical pain
  • To make it through the day
  • To get to sleep

People don’t use substances because they’re bad or crazy. They use substances because they work well, they’re fast, they’re reliable, and give a measure of personal control.  They meet a need, they serve at least one purpose.   Good to know, good to understand what's really going on.
 
Why it matters that Behaviors Make Sense:

  • It can help you take the behavior less personally and feel more empathy toward your child (yourself and anyone else too).
  • It can inspire a path where you’re not arguing with the reality of it.  You’re coming from logic, understanding and compassion instead.
  • It can help you to experience the behavior as less random, less of a surprise, and more predictable.
  • It can help you start to communicate with your child (and anyone) in a way that helps them feel understood. It’s what we all want really, isn’t it?  And it can lead to deeper compassion and collaboration.  Something I’m thinking we also want. 
 
With curiosity, connecting to your heart, gaining clarity, and communicating from a place of understanding (doesn’t mean easy or in agreement or looking the other way) we can make a difference!
 
I invite you to consider with an open mind, open heart, with compassion how behaviors, emotions, attitudes actually make sense – in others and in yourself. 

Breathe, touch your heart, feel the love in you, send it out to your child, to the world, to anyone who needs it. 

Maybe change is not as hard as we might believe.  And you’re invited to find out.  Let me know how you experience “making sense”.  
 
Love wins here!

To learn more about The Invitation to Change Approach, please click here:  https://cmcffc.org/about

To Peace and Possibility!

Joanne

0 Comments
    Music

    ​Weeds or Wishes ?
    ​

    ​When I look at the photo above, I could see weeds, or a field of dreams.  I'm reminded of making wishes as a little girl. As I blew on what I thought was a weed, seeds rising into the air,  I went along, and into the world of possibility and dreams. What do you see? Weeds? Dreams? Something else?

    ​This is an invitation to consider how we see the world, what is our perspective and how does it affect our lives...Ask yourself, open up to experience your heart and mind meeting to uncover the truths that lie beneath and beyond our stressful thinking, allow your own answers to arise, and discover possibilities, all for you, and from you. 

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​Copyright © 2022  Hearts At Work, LLC
  • Home
    • Newsletter
  • The Work
    • Why work with a Certified Facilitator?
  • Joanne
    • Mandated Reporting
  • Events
    • Rx for Peace
    • Invitation to Change Family Group
    • Webinar ~ Enabling
    • Mother's Retreat
  • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
  • Reflections
  • Resources
    • Supporting A Loved One in Treatment
    • Supporting A Loved One's Recovery
    • Questions to Ask Treatment Providers
    • Grief
    • 75 Ways to Manage Stress
    • Letting Go
    • Addiction Treatment Resources
    • Books, Videos, etc
    • The Art of Healing
    • What is Wellness
    • Gratitude Practice