As moms of children who have and do struggle with substance use, we have story after story of our kids in some kind of danger, our imaginations run wild about the past and the future. It imprisons us in fear and scenes we can barely escape: our kids leaving treatment, not going to treatment, living on the streets, scrounging for drugs or alcohol just to survive a day, psychosis, missing for days or weeks or years. It's terrorizing!
So much of that is my story too. It's the reality of the struggles of chaotic substance use. And it's why I'm so determined to help myself through the fears of it all (and hopefully help you through your own fear and worry too). We just can't waste time stuck in fear! Our love, our action, our healing is needed and fear just interrupts it and slows us down! This week, with my son missing again and health deteriorating, my mind so easily has gone in and out of some very scary thoughts and images. The fear and grief at times is strangling, so I reached out to a fellow "The Work" facilitator and questioned the thought "He's given up on life". That thought, when believed, creates so much fear and anguish, horrible images, tremendous overwhelm. When I believe the thought, the mind automatically starts to find the supposed evidence that the belief and fear is rational, that's it's imminent, that it's probably real, except the truth is that I don't have real evidence that any of my fears are happening at this very moment. Hmmm, very good to see. But, that's how the mind operates, it will take us on a wild ride and it seems very true for all of time. It just doesn't make it true. I'm interested in truth. In peace. In the love that is in and around fear and worry, the love that brings me back to itself. And so I choose healing, for me and my son by extension. One way is by questioning my fears. The example I'll share today is the realizations when questioning the thought "he's given up on his life". I invite you to sit quietly, take a few deep breaths, and contemplate if you've ever believed someone you love has given up, AND if there's a spark of truth in any of my realizations that might be true for you too. It is this kind of inquiry and finding truth that sets me freer to choose life again, and freer for love to find me, and thereby freer to be love in the world, even through the grief and fear, especially then! This freedom is for you too! Realizations, my truths: 1. I have no idea what he can or has chosen in his life. Ideas change, thoughts change, motives change, he has changed, and changed again. We all have. Is he even choosing or are the choices making him because of psychosis and the impact of drug use on his brain? There is a relief in surrendering to "I just don't know!" instead of believing thoughts and scary images and then falling into a dark pit of despair because of it. Good to notice, to be the observer of it rather than the prisoner of it. Not knowing is so much more peaceful than stuck in the darkness of fear. 2. If I don't know and can not know, then I can better understand and accept that I was never given power over his life or his death. That is way beyond my power here on earth. His life and death are between him and God, his path is not mine, never was and can never be. I don't like it sometimes, I feel lots of grief, but sitting in the very truth of this, I stop arguing with the reality of it and move into acceptance even if it feels hard. That realization allows me to consider what is within my power. What are the choices along my own path? What inspiration comes? I hear: Come out of fear my dear and let love find you, inspire you, guide you. You need it! He needs it! We all need it! 3. I accept and surrender that his life and death are not on my terms. Not for detox, not for any other treatment according to me or anyone else. Not timing, not ways, I don't get to direct and choose the terms. Boom! Sooooo good to again realize and remember. Now what? Alternatives, other possibilities, redirection, my heart and mind opens to that, inspiration is offered. The wisest, most loving next step is to fill my heart with love and send it to him no matter where or how he is. What are his terms? God's terms? As I said, that's up to them, not really my business. My terms are to be re-minded and as best I can to be open to anything and everything as it comes. To feel, to heal. My terms are to be even more guided to whatever his terms are, whatever life's terms are! More flexible, more daring, not from fear, and from refilling my heart with unconditional love and doing the next loving thing that feels right. The world has opened up again! 4. I accept and surrender that life has me too. To live in fear means I die to my own life, I kill my own joy, I don't see the beauty in the world around me, I die to love at its most powerful and truly unconditional. This fear energy will never be the energy from which I can help my son the best. The heart begins to open more to the death of insisting how life should be, how my son's life should be. It's painful to play God, it's painful to assume I know how life must unfold. There may be grief for sure, and it can co-exist with the pursuit of happiness, the awareness of beauty, the practice of gratitude for what is rather than the stress of controlling life itself. Yes! Let life have me! Let love have me! New ideas, new possibilities, healing ways, the way of peace, the way of love, have me! It can, it does. And you too! Yes, Yes, Yes! If this be our path, please let's walk it together! Let fear die! Not for always, and for when we can, because we can. We are the change makers! We are the light in the darkness! We are the love that overcomes the fear! You! Me! Us! Life in fear is the catalyst, the doorway into the death of fear. Back to life again re-newed, re-minded, re-purposed. Truth is found, life and love re-born. Love wins here! With so much gratitude! May Peace be with you and your family, Joanne
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Weeds or Wishes ?
|