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A couple of years ago, my son called in the middle of the night, hours before I would wake up and go to work. I kept my phone close taking calls at any hour because he had no phone and was unsheltered. I didn't want to miss a call, a chance to see him or hear his voice, or to support any move towards healing. He called for a pick up to go to treatment tomorrow and was at least an hour away. It was 2 am.
I was tired, in so many ways. As much as I love him, and want to help, I had heard the promise of tomorrow many times. I was beginning to resent the intrusions that led to more of the same. Losing sleep, my peace, my energy, my hope. Still, I went to pick him up an hour away by 6am, just in case, and he sat in the car until I could finish work and leave early to figure things out. I was figuring it out for him but draining myself. I told myself this is what I had to do.
I don't like to live in resentment. It makes sense there will be some chaos loving a child through their own struggle with substance use. Somewhere deep within, I had a story that "I have to go get him". It went along with other stories about being a good mother, the risks of leaving him in the middle of nowhere, the fear of saying "no". Can you relate? Lots and lots of stories that generate more fear and stress.
There's a little trick I like to use that prevents resentment, clarifies my choices, and the personal accountability that it is my choice with whatever the consequences that may follow. My son is off the hook. It allows for my truth to be revealed, so that I can say an honest yes or no, and leaves space for other ideas to approach whatever issue is happening.
Instead of "I have to ...", I say "I GET TO ..."
* I don't have to pick him up. I get to pick him up. (I get to choose if and when)
* I don't have to buy him phones and clothes. I get to replace needed items if that feels right within my time and budget
* I don't have to look for resources, make calls on his behalf. I want to and get to help him in this way (and include him if he is capable)
When I change the narrative to "I GET TO ..." the mind opens to considering if it feels right for me, if I have the energy and resources. It's my choice, 100% accountable for it, no resentment. I'm moved by clarity and Love whether I say yes or no.
I GET TO give or not, to be of service, I get to love with no assumption or expectation of return. By getting nothing in return, I get everything that love can offer - open heart, open mind, compassion, patience, inspiration, connection, a more gentle relationship with my son. I get to hold him in my heart exactly as he is without trying to change him.
I get to keep trying. I get to keep practicing peace. I get to keep learning and using new and old skills. I get to live more from my heart and less out of fear. We get to be imperfect and take it one situation at a time.
I GET TO LOVE. I GET PEACE. I GET TO OFFER THIS TO MY SON.
HE GETS THE BETTER PARTS OF ME. ME TOO.
Love wins here!
What do you think you might get to do if you don't have to do it?
I invite you to notice when the mind creates a story of "have to" and change the wording to "I GET TO", and see what happens.
I'd love to hear your experience, please. Reply back and let me know.
We GET TO do this together.
Peace to you and your family,
Joanne
PS: For more inspiration on peace, here's my free guide: How to Find Peace When You Worry with some foundational ideas to create more peace in your life. Peace In is Peace Out. May you have many moments there.
I'd love to hear any thoughts you have and what topics you'd like to consider. Please let me know so I can offer meaningful reflections. Thank you!
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