I Want My Child Back ... But

What happens when your child or loved one hasn't come back the way they used to be, they way you want them to be, for you and for them? 

Two mothers, within hours of speaking to each of them said "I just want my child back", in tears, in grief, in regret, a mix of sadness and anger.  They wanted the child they knew from 10 yrs ago, the child who was nicer, wanted a relationship, didn't yell, the child before addiction. 

It makes so much sense. Of course anyone would be so very sad, missing the hopes created in the past, the relationship you dreamed of, the life you wanted for your loved one.

With compassion, the truth is that none of us are coming back the same as we were.  With or without addiction, we all change through time and whatever our life experience.  Yes we miss what we thought and hoped would happen,  we also miss the freedom from struggle and pain.

But, when we stay attached to the illusion of the person our loved one from the past, the one we remember, we miss the one in the present or right in front of us ... and it makes it much harder to look for, much less see and appreciate, any of the good that is still there, and that can be inspired. 

I remember planning to take food to the park for those without shelter and where my son often lived.  He finally called me the day before (divine timing to be sure).  He was eager to help serve the food - meatballs, his favorite.  He was dirty, who knows where he got all the unmatching clothes that didn't even fit him, he was under the influence, and he was so engaging and light, so pleasant, a pride of doing something like this together and for his friends.

That day I saw not the younger man or the boy, but this new person to get to know,  his own, God's,  this one I was really enjoying, this one to know if I wanted to be in an adult relationship with unconditional love.

I don't want my son back from 10 years ago, 15 years, 20 years.  I don't want me back from then. There's been so much learning and growth, purpose in the pain, struggles that made us incredibly resilient, trusting that these are our divine paths, who knows why.  And, to have anyone back the way we were years ago is just impossible.  I've come to learn and know that wanting the impossible causes even more stress, and it shows me what needs some healing.

 
Surrendering. Releasing.  Being released.  A place where I can more safely land in right now, be more present, look for connection, create it. Love as is, respect my own needs in the process and respect my son's journey, make offers that make sense, accept his declines, and grieve, and love. Now I get to look for and find moments that reflect old and new qualities, new me, new him, new relationship, new day every day.

Do we have scars?  Sure do!  And in those tracks lies a whole lot of wisdom and experience, hard earned that I doubt could be learned any other way and so profoundly. And new meaning that was always waiting to be realized, purpose that unfolds with a yes.

Now is where we heal, where we learn, where we apply what we've learned, where there is connection, where there is inspiration, where there is healing... not in the past and not in the future ... now. 

Do you still want your loved one from years ago or can you take a closer look at yourself, and your loved one, and want what you have when you look for the good in both of you, the learning, the forgiveness, willing to release, becoming more present?  

Wherever you're at on your journey, whatever you choose, it's all ok.  Time is still moving forward, and it will move us all into some kind of change, into new awareness, more experience, further along our path. 

Along the path, let's keep looking for the good, now, and another, and the next now.

Love wins here!

Peace to you and your family,

Joanne