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He's inebriated again. Will he fall again? Yes, he did. He passed out on the floor.
She noticed her emotions, remembered some tools she now has and practices. She chose love over the fear of not being able to control her loved one's using, and having to teach him in that moment ... She paused and considered her choices. She's been considering love a lot!
What would love say or do if it says "no" to picking up the pieces all the time; says "yes" to trying on something different, out of the box; "no" to saving someone from their own experience of the natural consequences of their substance use rather than feeling stuck, masking or avoiding what is happening (if and when it is safe and for a greater cause)?
She said "no" to the behavior and "yes" to LOVE. And this is what it sounded like and looked like:
"I love you. Here's a pillow." She made sure he was safe, and left him on the floor. She went to bed, tired, needing rest, in her truth, having offered love and kindness but not fixing what is not hers to fix.
Why does every part of that matter?
Because it put her directly in her own experience and her own choices. She could take care of her own frustration and grief. She could get some needed rest. It was the right choice for her. in her truth. And, when he woke up, his experience was all his to remember, to experience, to do what he would do with it, or not. The best part is that it did lead to a compassionate, connecting conversation about how he experiences his own using and the consequences of it, to realizing and commenting that they are both tired. A few weeks later, he agreed to therapy.
Does it always work that way? No, we know it does not. But does that approach work? Yes! Because it saves the relationship, it saves the connection and opens up compassionate communication, and it keeps a family member considering how they want to show up and what they need to do to show up that way, the way they prefer ... with more love and less reactivity because of fear, which is worry, guilt, and anger.
Love says "no" ... which is really a "yes" to other possibilities, other presentations of what love looks like and sounds like in the world of addiction.
I'm so inspired by this example of how loving with skills inspires and creates conditions that could impact healthier choices, at the very least from a family member trying to support their loved one. I've been so honored and thankful to witness her journey a little bit. It's not easy, and we have options to not make it harder.
Love wins here!
Peace to you and your family,
Joanne
PS: Are you interested in relieving your fears, worry, guilt, anger? Would you like to experience how finding what is true for you beyond the fear can power up love to guide your choices? Here's how ... Just click on A Path to Love and find out more ...
A PATH TO LOVE
We start Tuesday March 3 at 2pm Pacific. And again on March 17, meeting 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each moth. I invite you to register so that I can send reminders and zoom link to those interested. Of course you don't have to show up every session, whenever it works for you.
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