Who knows? How that can be a good thing.

Have you ever found yourself frustrated that you really want something but it’s just so hard to make it happen?  And maybe once you start a new goal, something happens and your best intentions are out the window?  

How about these scenarios?  I want to lose weight and I want to eat those cookies;  I want to exercise or go to the gym and I don’t want to or can’t wake up early to fit it in; I want to go to Europe and I don’t want to spend the money;  I want to switch jobs and I don’t want to shake up my life right now;  I want to stop using substances and I don’t want to give up the thing that is reliable and available and helps me through the day.

Notice the “and”.  Notice how it is very possible to want something new, want some kind of change AND to also want something that will make it really hard to get it.  This brings us to topic #3 from The Invitation to Change Approach ~ Ambivalence is Normal.  Here’s an overview for your consideration:

Ambivalence is Normal

• Wanting two conflicting things is actually normal.
• When habits are formed in our behaviors, body memory and mental memory can be automatic for many reasons.  They’re familiar.  These habits aren’t just erased because we want something else.  We still might want those cookies!
• Substance use as a habit met or meets the wants and needs.  It is true that using substances gets the job done, many of them.  Rather than argue with the reality of it, it is far better to acknowledge the truth of it and then figure out next steps and choices.

Why it matters that Ambivalence is Normal

• When you’re trying to make sense of your child’s ambivalence it’s not a shock and can help you stay calm, open-minded, and curious. When you hear your child’s opposing remarks or observe the conflicting messages in their behavior instead you can meet it with understanding.
• It will help you listen, help you respond with understanding and empathy, help you hear between the lines of how your child may still want the change even though the old behavior showed up. 
• It will help you be encouraging rather than accusatory, arguing, and blaming. 
• It will help you re-connect and re-mind you that your truer intention is to connect with and help your child.  Added benefit is that you will feel so much better showing up this way.

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Life Application Ideas from Joanne:

• Notice how we are all so similar and can be ambivalent with big changes in our lives.  Relate with your child from this truth and with compassion for yourself and them.
• Practice the Pause.  Breathe, slow it down, set an intention for calm connection, do what it takes to show up that way.
• Replace an old behavior with a new behavior that is simple and doable with a desired benefit.  Let’s call that a positive pay off.
• Acknowledge that change is possible, it will take effort, it is doable, even though it might be unfamiliar and uncomfortable. 
• Rather than repeating the mantra “change is hard”, turn it around to “change is very possible” AND specify the ways it is doable, what you’ll need to achieve that change, who can support you, and how to return to your efforts if you return to an old habit. It’s ok, and can be a natural part of change!
• Everything changes, repeatedly bring yourself back to present, come back to facts and out of your imagined future and remembered past.  Now is where change happens and that is what changes the future.  Focus on now. 

I invite you to consider with an open mind, open heart, and with compassion how behaviors, emotions, attitudes actually make sense – in others and in yourself - and how there are many roads to travel, many ways to travel those roads, that we all have our unique perspective and thoughts about what will work for us, when and how AND even with the best intentions we might get sidetracked.  Consider it's OK, put the puppy back on the paper and begin again.  The time is always NOW. 

Breathe, touch your heart, feel the love in you, send it out to your child, to the world, to anyone who needs it. 

Love wins here!

To learn more about The Invitation to Change Approach and access additional resources, please click here:  https://cmcffc.org/about

To Peace and Possibility!

​Joanne