More anger, blame, raging, unfinished sentences, again. Is my son ever going to be light, calm, sweet, wise, funny again? Will he ever learn to forgive, to release the past, move on? We're on the phone again, I'm listening in silence, feeling bombarded hearing his anger at the world. It's a landmine and my silence seems to prevent escalation, maybe. It's not a conversation, but another dump. These calls are becoming sad, and tiring truth be told. The thought "he's lost to me" returns, deep inside me, again. The pain returns, again.
How can I know absolutely that he's lost to me? Breathing in, relief. I can't. It's been a long time since I've heard the sweet one, but the truth is I can't know if he's lost the way I'm imagining the future. When I believe he's lost though, my world stops. The tears flow immediately, in abundance. The fear of him living this way is in abundance, the grief once again is in abundance. There's nothing else to do but sit with it, feel it, it's heavy. There's a part of me that considers that if I believe he's lost to me, somehow I'll be able to withstand these waves of grief better, be able to navigate these calls better, but the cost of believing this thought (as the only truth of my all knowing how the future will be) is even heavier than the grief. I'm lost in a raging sea that takes me under, and I put my son in there too, losing connection, the very thing that I need desperately, him too. And I know I can find it again. That's my chosen path, and I know the way.
What's possible if he's not lost to me? What's possible if the thought that he's lost might not be all true? What is it I'm looking for really? Who I think he should be, how I think he should live his life, how I think he should sound? That's a whole lot of shoulds! Who's lost now? I'm lost in thought and ruling the universe, again. Good to see! The phone call, hearing him this way was not easy but he was there, I was there. The future doesn't even exist yet. Good reminder! It will always be lost in its not yet, non-existence, can't know, you've been living in the I don't know the future your whole life, and catching up to that truth. For today, this call, I found connection, and it sounded like my son that way, me that way, and for now it's good, good enough. I heard his voice after weeks, he's alive. He's thinking, trying, reaching in and reaching out as best he can. Aren't we all?
This fear left unquestioned will have me lost in it, and then everything else follows down that dark hole. I've come to know that love will follow me anywhere, all the time, and can lift me up again and again and again. Found each and every time. And, I can help it out. By supporting Love itself, I support me, I support my son, I support the world for more peace. Fear is the invitation, the reminder that I'm lost in some painful beliefs and stories. Doing The Work is the fast path to greater understanding by slowing down and holding the fear, thought by thought, taking it by the hand, welcoming it to show me the way up and out of the dark hole.
I find love, I find connection, I find truth, I find freedom. Or does it find me? This is where I'm going to find my son, as is. He's not found until I am. He's not found until my fear is understood and transformed back to love by finding the truth that lies beneath and around the fear. More gratitude, found. Losing fear, finding truth. Love, loving, loved, again. What a phone call!
Weeds or Wishes ?