LYING ~ Why all the lies?

Little lies, big lies, white lies, lies of omission.  Lies are not unique to the struggles of mental illness or substance use.  But WHY, especially when it seems so obvious, so unnecessary, when some lies cause even bigger problems?

Consider this:  Essentially every thing we do has some kind of payoff, some benefit or we wouldn't do it.  It has a benefit and makes sense in some way even if it seems illogical or dysfunctional.  It is the way the mind, the ego operates.  It's the way of being human.

One of the benefits we desperately try to get is to feel SAFE.  SAFETY is an essential, core need.  If there's a hint of a threat to not getting a perceived need met, to avoid struggle, to distract because it's easier that way, well then lying is a way to accomplish that.  It gets the job done, and no you do not have to like it or empower the lie.  Still, we all need to feel safe. 

Our kids, in all the chaos, shame, desperation, will do whatever they need to do to restore safety.  How many of us just want them to feel safe?  We just have different perspectives of how to be safe.  One way, in their world, in order to BE SAFE is to LIE.
 
We might think "he/she is never going to stop lying".  Could be true.  Let me tell you some things that are even truer:

• He/She will stop lying when she feels safe enough to tell the truth, and not a minute before.  So to establish a calm, safe presence, what can you do?
• He/She is telling her version of the truth, you don't have to agree but demanding they agree with you will sustain the disconnect, reinforce the "lie".  And in delusional thinking, it will be very true for them.  And it is safer for them not to challenge that delusion unless you really know what you're doing.
• He/She is trying to avoid shame, embarrassment, guilt, more anxiety, more pain.
• We all change our minds with new info, with new experiences.  What seemed like something true before becomes essentially a lie later.  Bottom line - we change our minds, all of us.
• If we all change our minds, then we're all in the same boat of "lying".  Now we can begin conversation, exploration, clarification.
• To keep the peace, we don't say the full truth (thank goodness because sometimes that's really not helpful or comes out in anger).  This too, human condition, pretty common.  Just to notice.  
• If one of your highest need is to be safe, and lying helps you stay safe, you are going to do whatever it takes to be safe.  Makes sense, right?  So, how do we become a safe harbor for a ship that has lost its way and is on a crash course into jagged rocks? 

I'm not saying to ignore the potential damages of the interpreted lies, or not converse about facts.  It is with compassion, with realizing that lying makes sense, with realizing that to remove someone's safety, it  is going to throw them into possibly worse conditions than the lie itself.  With these truths, we are able to better navigate this very common, sometimes repetitive interaction.

Here are some possible responses to lies to consider if they feel true for you:

• Hmmmmm, that's interesting.
• Silence.  Try to remain calm and keep your heart open with compassion, understanding.
• Change the subject.
• Discontinue the conversation gracefully and kindly.  Invite to a different time to talk.
• Let's agree to disagree, you could be right.  I Love you. 
• Something doesn't make sense to me.  Can you explain that?  Can you help me understand? How does it work that way? 

It's no lie that we have a whole lot of struggles when we love a child who struggles with substance use.  And it is no lie that this is hard stuff!   And it is no lie that we are called to learn and practice new ways of connecting and communicating so we stay in the greater truths.  And the greatest truth is that Love wins here! 

For Peace,
Joanne

​(in honor of Nancy)