My son called. Again, he left another sober living home. Same reasons again. Same explanation. Same wants from the world, the staff, even himself, and from me. That alone feels heavy. The stories of hearing all his wants that do not yet have solutions grow and grow. But the day is not yet done.
My sister called. She wants me to change. My mother wants and needs me to do this and that. Work needs me. A friend wants my time. He wants. She wants. They want. So many wants from so many people, from so many directions, so it seems. Feeling overwhelmed by not enough time, not enough energy, not enough to give half of them what they want and surely not when they want it. And it is impossible to give my son what he wants. Now what???? I do The Work, because it works!
Believing the thought, he wants something from me (that I can't give), is suffocating, I'm immediately on guard. I notice my ego wants to defend me, give me permission to scream "no!" or "I can't". The cost of believing this thought and all the stories that come with it is that I disconnect and go into protective mode. More than that it hurts to make my son the reason when I need him, and he needs me to be connected.
And without this thought running in the background, being the end all guide of my choices (because it's not!), I become calm, curious, breathe slower and deeper. I ask him, what is it you really want, need at this time? I am honest with myself and him if I want to and can give what is being asked, and that is after I clarify what is being asked of me. Guess what, he's just venting! He doesn't want anything of me, and even knows I can't make that kind of magic happen.
But that's not it for me. I really want to understand what this thought is doing to me, to my relationships. Because when I believed he wanted from me that which I can't give, I'm very stressed out. And without believing this thought and all the stress of it, I am free to be curious and connected.
He wants, she wants, they want, when questioned, leads me to be curious, to communicate through it all while connecting to an open mind and an open heart. Because what I really, really want is to be that and share that part of me. I want me to show up that way despite the requests for my time and attention. I want me to take care of me, slow it down and consider if and how I will give. What I really, really want is to live out the stated intention to be present, build connection and communication, trusting myself to nurture my body, mind and spirit. It's the only way I'm going to be able to navigate these current and changing circumstances.
Who would I be without the thought "he wants something from me"? Present, connected, curious, contemplative, communicating, kind, creative. That's how Love guides. Being moved from fear to Love, the truth is revealed. It is less about what another wants, and how Love wants to be lived through me and in me. As it turns out, it's what I want to.
As this year comes to a close, what perfect timing to release the overwhelm, to actually have it release me. And to be thankful for it, as it is the overwhelm that led me to question the thought and stories where the truer story is revealed. That's the power of doing The Work of Byron Katie. It shows me a way to easily find these deeper truths within the stress, and to slow down and identify how to live it.
For today, it is lived by making time for grief, for some tears, for the reality that, at least for now, there is little I can do but work on my own inner peace so I can be available hopefully for another call, for another request. I look forward to my son wanting something and everything from me. How else am I going to learn and practice this letting it all just be, and allowing Love to find me and live through me, to come to these deeper realizations that my most important job, my deepest want is just that, to connect with all of this.
I imagine the next want that is requested of me will remind me of what it is I truly want: The lived intention, the practice of holding space, breathing, listening, being curious, seeking to understand, inviting his ideas, communicating with care and carefully. How wonderful he is sharing all his wants with me. I get to hear him. I get to hear Love.
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