The horizon becomes so blurry as he sinks deeper into delusions, another bout of using, unrelenting destruction, a seeming in-ability or refusal to seek or accept help. Here it comes again, the unrelenting desire for him to heal, to choose life. Here it comes again, the unrelenting pain of arguing with the reality that his is not my ship to steer.
He sinks deeper and deeper into the dark, deep raging sea. It’s all I can do to not go down with him when it feels as if I’m drowning in a sea of bottomless grief – the kind of grief so deep it spontaneously drags me into the waves of sorrow and worry, anger, the desperation, pleading please, please, please make this stop and heal him.
It's so hard to watch as this ship he rides is tossed around in a raging sea, its bows cracking with each wave. It’s easy to believe it will sink entirely. Can I absolutely know that’s true? The mother ship watching the child’s, the not knowing, it is true I can not know it will sink, and I don’t want to either.
They go down and it’s all too easy to go right along with them, into our own raging seas. BUT … AND …
Despite the raging seas, notice how in truth something inside us just does not want to go down with the ship, refuses to drown. Notice how there is a force in and around you that keeps you reaching for life preservers, keeps trying to restore your breath, tread water, brings you to rest on any buoy that is available.
Self-preservation is automatic. It calls for us, this siren of the seas. It says “Breathe, tread water, swim, rest, do what you can to help you, to help this situation!” So we breathe, we cry, we moan for relief, we speak the pain, we sit with it, we drop to the floor, we stand back up and suddenly we’re walking again, being moved to something that might resemble walking out of the waves, even if for a respite of time. We reach for life preservers.
Though we may be in the same seas as our children, we each have our own ship to steer and navigate whatever waters we are in. In truth, we can not remain on their ship and we can’t steer it for them. In the midst of those seas, we are afloat, we have not drowned, some how we find ourselves navigating the raging seas, moved by the tide. The tide is in. The tide is out. It’s a force of its own, it will have its way.
It's not supposed to be feel good or be easy, how could it be? But that does not mean we can’t ride these waves even when they rage. And there are life preservers.
Ask yourself, seek the answers, and find them: What supports are available to you? What supports do you already have that are working for you? Notice the life preservers in your life. What life preservers whisper to you to seek out and grab hold of in order to ride the waves and get your head above water again? Notice how you’re not all the way under and you don’t stay under. Something moves you back up, treading water, lifted out of the waves, breathing even if gasping for air, breathing again, resting when able so you can continue on. Is it mother love? Is it love that finds you to mother yourself?
This love will find us everywhere, in any condition. It will whisper, it will keep calling us back to itself, and lift us, move us up and forward. It doesn’t promise easy, just that it loves all of us as is and will inspire. It is the ultimate life preserver.
It’s not going to be easy, and there are life preservers. I invite you to check out the ones listed here. Just click on any or all:
Love “Em Where They’re At ~ Harm Reduction Works
Monday @ 4pm Pacific - virtual meeting
A specialized HRW (Harm Reduction Works) group for anyone in a parenting role for someone who uses drugs and or alcohol. Everyone is welcome especially parents and guardians who aren’t sure what harm reduction is or whether it can help them.
Join Zoom Meeting
Meeting ID: 890 8359 7242
Love wins! It shows up. It shows up in so many ways. It shows up in you. It is you, and it will hold you and carry you as you ride these waves, and you may have to steer in different directions, patch up your ship and get in different waters. So sadly, we may see that some ships will crash, and some may sink. Don’t be one of them. Love will lift you again and again, and help you to navigate your course, your path whatever that may be, and however you may choose.
It’s not easy so let’s travel together.
Sending you love,
Weeds or Wishes ?