Dear Mom, will you do this for me?

Dear Mom,

You see me struggling, you’ve seen me up, down, and everything in between. I may seem lost in addiction.  And you seem to get lost in your fear and worry.  Please notice where your fear takes you. You have me behind dumpsters, cold on a street corner, laying on a dirty floor, you’re waiting for that call with all sorts of stories and scary images.  But I'm not there. Will you notice that you’re seeing me only in your imagination, and in images of the past and future?  That's not the real me there.  Even if I can't be reached, please break free of your fear and imaginations.  Please remember my goodness and my life.  My spirit and love live beyond fear, and always in your heart. Look for me there. Look for me in the good, in the living. Look for me and honor me with your life. I cannot do this for you, will you do this for me?

Please tell me you love me, and what you're willing to tolerate, or not.  Tell me your priorities and stick to them yourself, show me you’ll take care of yourself.  I might eventually hear you say no. I hear you so much better when you’re calm and keep it simple. And just repeat it or don't answer the phone when you’re overwhelmed. This is helping me. When you repeat what's not working for either of us, it just keeps not working. Just be clear and honest with me. You are strong in a gentle delivery. I need this. It helps me with my own fear, and helps you take care of your own. I cannot do this for you, will you do this for me?

I want your love. I want you to love me as I am whether I live or die. Trying to fix me is beyond your control and obsessing on this will kill your chance at any peace. It's your fear that makes you do that. And you make me responsible for it. I'm under the influence of drugs. Drugs have their way, it’s just the reality of things. You must choose a different way when I cannot. I love you and I cannot express it right now. Just trust in that love, even though it's silent and difficult to see. Please remove this pressure from me that I have to get fixed and take care of your happiness.  Please seek your own healing. I cannot do this for you, will you do this for me?

Live your life so I don't have to feel the shame of taking it from you. I did not take your life from you. I don't have that power. So please don't give it to me, or to drugs for that matter. I don't want that for you either. God gave me a life and a death, same for you. If and when I can choose differently, I will. Will you? Show me the way. If I ever recover, I'll need you to be clear and strong.  I’ll always need that at any stage of addiction. Healing is possible for me, and for you. You be the one to start, to continue, and thank you for that. I can't do this for you, and please, please don't wait for me. God has plans for me, and God has plans for you. Staying in pain is not His plan for you. I know it's not God's plan to have me addicted but God is going to use my life in ways we both cannot imagine. Find every way to live and inspire peace and joy in this life. I cannot do this for you, will you do this for me?

I know you love me very much. I love you back, I really do, even when it doesn't look or sound like that.  Nothing can destroy our love. I am with you always. God created me as love, and you are too. It is indestructible. Remember this and you will remember me well.  I love you. Know this, but I cannot do this for you, will you do this for us?

Forever,

Your Child, and God’s