What a year! How are you defining your 2022?
For me, there was a series of crises and losses, difficult changes to process, and the need to approach old problems in new ways. I worked very hard to find silver linings, practice peace and gratitude, and to transform fears to understanding and love. Still am. I think it's a great life practice no matter the circumstances. I could say it was a crappy year, and instead, with an open mind to translate the events, will re-define the story to a spectacular year. A year with lots of support from very loving people (like you), confirming the efficacy and trust in the tools and peace practices I've been thankful to find (and share). I trust I rise and will continue, I trust it's more than OK to be with worry and grief - in fact it's sacred. I trust that love will continue to find me in all, through all. I trust it does this for us all! And it's bringing us all into a New Year. But, Instead of saying "Happy New Year", it feels fitting and actually more uplifting to say to you: I wish you an Abundance of New Possibilities in the New Year! Take the experiences, however you define them, and consider the learning and growth, the guidance, the inspiration, the re-direct, the endings, the beginnings. What story will you tell? What is possible if you were to welcome each and every experience, every emotion, every last thing and trust that there is a purpose in it, that it can serve you, it can serve the world? That somehow, all these things get recycled, restored, recreated, that something is born from it? Just for today as you read this message, I invite you to consider "What is one possibility that you realized or that you can intend for, that is doable, small, that feels inspiring, that has been whispering to you, that will feel good today, that you can give yourself? Breathe into the feeling of it now and let it fill your heart, your mind, your body and feel the good in the possibility of that moment. This is a new moment. Every moment is. One goes, another comes all day, every day, it all gets new. Each moment becomes a new hour, a new day, a new month, a new year. It will find you, and you can find it. Have the kind of new moments you have, and trust that each one will lend itself to a new year, a new possibility. And so, I wish you Happy New Moments for New Possibilities in the New Year! With gratitude, for Peace and Possibility, Joanne
0 Comments
It's been a horrific kind of year. My son's mental and physical health deteriorating more by the month. Offers of all kinds of supports are declined. Kindness is misunderstood and condemned, the confrontations definitely condemned. It can feel sometimes that we are condemned to this misery, though I know we're not.
Homeless in the cold with only the clothes on his back and refusing shelter, unable to contain the rage that life has been so cruel, my son seethes that I haven’t helped him, that I’ve actually made things worse. What?! But, I can find how that makes sense, how it’s even true in some ways, and especially from my son's perspective, especially after an involuntary petition that stopped some of the madness but started other complications. It's been really hard to watch him walk away from the shelter to "sleep outside". They'd even help find aftercare for him. He says "no'. He expects to stay at my house, but it is too volatile. I say "no", and it is hard and heartbreaking. The worry and guilt begins to rage deep within. His life does seem worse. He’s right, I agree with that. But for the times I might believe I’m the cause of it, the guilt washes over me like sludge. It’s triggered by thoughts like I "made things harder for him", "he’ll never forgive me", "I shouldn’t have done the petition", "Somehow I should be able to calm him down", "I should do better, know better", and on and on and on. The mind is at play. It doesn't mean it's true though! Is it absolutely true that we are guilty, should feel guilty, that we are guilty of trying, of doing the best we can quickly making choices while in the middle of chaos, offering concrete resources we think can help, offering to take to a meeting, to coordinate sober living or treatment. Is it true we're guilty of trying to limit the destruction, trying to do something to keep ourselves safe ourselves? No. No. And No. Not guilty! Here’s why:
Your healing, your inner peace, your clarity, your self-care, your support systems, your doing all you can, even waiting are ways that inspiration can find you. I'll just say it: It's required if you are going to influence possibility. This is your business. This is where your influence and power lies and where you create possibility. Guilt is not the best motivator even though some think it is. Guilt tells a story that if you feel guilty enough, you might do better. But that’s not true. Guilt suggests unforgiveness and blame. It will make the cycle of stress, pain and struggle continue, and it will block what you want the most – to show up with peace and loving action for your child, and for yourself. I don’t know if my son will make it through this next round. What I do know is he won’t make it unless I make it, at least from a place of peace, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, love. He won’t escape my fear, worry, guilt, weariness, any of what lays within me unless I take care of it. So, please take the very best care of you that is within your power. Reach out for ideas if you’re not sure how to do that. Make it your business. The guide "How to Get Clear on Next Steps" can help you identify how to empower your clarity and choices. As you make it into deeper healing and learning how to navigate these difficult times, you bring your child with you, always in your heart. Love wins here! For Peace and Possibility, Joanne Richards Holidays have so much meaning, so many stories, memories of past ~ the good, the bad, and the ugly, the anticipation of joy, of newness ... and of loss and grief. It all has a place, if we know how to hold space for it, to hold ourselves in caring, to hold on, to hold on to our intention to choose life and love.
Here are two supports for you to consider gratitude AND to care for your grief ~ two sides of the coin. For that is how it is, both sides exist. I hope they help you to navigate back and forth so it's not such a bumpy ride. How Practicing Gratitude Can Help In Your Hardest Moments: https://www.dailymotivation.site/how-practicing-gratitude-can-help-you-in-your-hardest-moments/ “In the face of demoralization, gratitude has the power to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has the power to bring hope. In other words, gratitude can help us cope with hard times.” Dr. Robert Emmons Grief and The Holidays - Dealing with The Pain: https://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/ You're never alone. You're always with your thoughts at the very least. So take a look at the above resources that can provoke your thoughts towards healing, and know that so many of us are with you! Happy Thanksgiving AND I'm holding space for my own and YOUR grief too! For now, let's come back to finding the specific things for which to be thankful. You, your life, your wisdom, your resilience, look further ... look further. Together we can and we will because we are trying. In that trying, you're a rock star! Thank you for YOU! Wishing you Peace, Joanne Richards For more inspiration ~ I invite you to download a free guide that can help you re-focus and re-connect with your best intentions that can help both you and your child. Just click here for your copy: "How to Get Clear on Next Steps when Your Child Struggles with Substance Use". There are times I've been consumed by fear, by worry, by depression - the on the floor, in bed kind when I can barely summon the energy to rise. Like when my son calls in a meth psychosis, raging, homeless, hangs up, no phone and I have no idea where he is.
If you've ever loved a child struggling with substance abuse, my guess is you understand, and maybe have been there too? And still somehow we rise. We rise over time. Somehow. But, I don't want to stay there any longer than is absolutely necessary to grieve, to get up, to choose life again. Here's what helps me (and so many others thankfully). A Prescription for Peace: Questioning my thoughts, my fears. Opening my mind, getting into my heart and wisdom's guidance. I have it. You have it. Then I apply some of the best family recovery tools and methods I've learned. Please register here: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZMrfu2sqTIvGtHh-_wu_HGkuyfCYXpa0jSf So I invite you to do the same, with me. November 18 is the day. (There will be another in December). It's my gift to you for the next two months, and yes that means free, no obligation. Why? Because it is just not ok that we walk around like ghosts, scaring ourselves believing our fears over and over and over. This is what spills over, and I know we don't want that. We don't want that probably more than we don't want to experience it in the first place. I really hope you can join me. And please do invite anyone and everyone who might also benefit from moving from fear to peace, through a deeper understanding of how our thoughts can bring us down a dark rabbit hole. Just share the link and/or this email, and thank you. https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZMrfu2sqTIvGtHh-_wu_HGkuyfCYXpa0jSf This is a way out. How do I know? I do this frequently. I share it frequently. It is reliable, it is deep, it works for me, for hundreds I've worked with, and for thousands and thousands throughout the world. I think it can work for you too! Please register in advance. I'll send you reminders closer to the date. I'm pretty sure we need no reminders of how hard this path is, and how hard it might be to find peace. I hope to make it easier for you. Love wins here! Please register here: https://us02web.zoom.us/meeting/register/tZMrfu2sqTIvGtHh-_wu_HGkuyfCYXpa0jSf May you know more peace, for you and your family, with love Joanne Ps. Do you know someone who may enjoy reading my monthly newsletter, Love wins!? New friends can join our Love wins! community by clicking here. Pps. Again, to register for Nov 18 Prescription for Peace, just click here. Ppps. Here's another gift, a guide for you to download so you can re-focus and re-connect to your best intentions to help you and your child. Jus click here: "How to Get Clear on Next Steps when Your Child Struggles with Substance Use". Have you sometimes found yourself going from peaceful to impatient, even disgusted; from feeling kind to feeling angry within minutes? Sometimes it doesn't take much: like when someone sounds demanding, blaming, stuck, uncooperative, or disinterested for the millionth time, or after a decade of struggling with repeated conflicts.
Good news is we are not our emotions, we are not our thoughts, even these reactions do not define who we are. We are having a very real human experience, fully experiencing whatever emotions arise, subject to the hundreds of thoughts that drop in every day. Because it's uncomfortable on any side of these reactions, it's important to take care of ourselves and practice responding in a way that can restore connection, compassion, and improved communication. As we know, there are distinct times that it is overwhelming, to be sure! It can feel like you might not be able to withstand the avalanche of fear, of worry, of grief, not be able to navigate the next crisis that is a real experience of loving a child who struggles with substance use. What can you do when this happens? First, I invite you to accept that this is the reality of things, and it will happen. Please develop a willingness to at least, whenever possible, NOT go to war with it. War continues the kind of battle that we can prevent or de-escalate. We can learn and practice ways to interrupt this heartbreaking battle. If there is to be a battle, let there be a battle cry to hold ourselves in gentle compassion of our human experience. Let there be a battle cry to feel, to comfort and care for ourselves, especially when it feels like we're in a war with ourselves, with circumstances, with people, with systems. The battle cry is calling out for us to give ourselves some much needed TLC. Here are some battle cry ideas to armor yourself with awareness, with compassion, with tender loving care:
You need you. Your child needs you. We all need each other. This is how Love moves in us and through us. We all need some Love don't we? I honor the Love that you are, the Love in you. I honor your fears too. They can guide you to truth, when they are questioned. When in truth, fear is transformed from misunderstanding to understanding and into the awareness of Love where peace can be found. I'll be sharing a gift with you, a healing session on November 18 to do this, so watch out for those emails soon. To support you with more and something that can enhance your healing practices, I invite you to download my free guide "How to Get Clear on Next Steps when Your Child Struggles with Substance Use". The guide offers you a way to build a foundation that can enhance your ability to identify and practice much needed skills of connection and communication, and especially when it gets challenging. It's something I use pretty much every day to re-mind myself how I want to show up and to identify how I'm going to show up more peaceful and lovingly pro-active. Click here to get your (free) copy. And please share the link with friends who may benefit from the guide also. Let's do Love together! Let there be peace! Sometimes it must and can co-exist with the challenges we face. Let peace begin with each of us. Are you with me? Say "yes" to being with yourself and choose Peace. I'm with you! Love wins here! Ps. Do you know someone who may enjoy reading my monthly newsletter, Love wins!? New friends can join our Love wins! community by clicking here. Pps. To get a jump on registration for Nov 18 Prescription for Peace, just click here. Ppps. Again, to download the free guide, just click here: "How to Get Clear on Next Steps when Your Child Struggles with Substance Use". Loving a child who struggles with substance use causes WORRY. Not just a little, a whole lot! Right?!
Are they ok? Are they alive? They need treatment desperately, but not agreeing to it! I can't stand it any more! I'm losing them. I'm losing my mind, my health, my own life. I'm losing me! I don't have to tell you how difficult this path is loving a child through all the struggles of addiction. There is pain, there is tons of worry. We really, really need to know how to take care of it and ease the struggle. Let's look at some doable things you can do so you don't lose your mind entirely, so you don't lose you. You need you. Your child needs you. No matter what, you are needed in your own life, you do have your own journey, and it will contribute to your own unique footprint in this world. Worry is about the future. Let's talk about how to relieve the worry, and come back to the present. The here and now is where you will find RELIEF.
Let me know what else works for you and how some of the above works for you too. Let's continue to care for our worry and care for ourselves. Our kids don't make it unless we do. There's lots of tools, methods, and supports to make it, even if it is to just relieve the intense worry and grief until we can learn and practice more. We'll make it together. We can and so we will! Love wins here! For Peace and Possibilities, Joanne Ps. Do you know someone who may enjoy reading my monthly newsletter, Love wins!? New friends can join our Love wins! community by clicking here. Little lies, big lies, white lies, lies of omission. Lies are not unique to the struggles of mental illness or substance use. But WHY, especially when it seems so obvious, so unnecessary, when some lies cause even bigger problems?
Consider this: Essentially every thing we do has some kind of payoff, some benefit or we wouldn't do it. It has a benefit and makes sense in some way even if it seems illogical or dysfunctional. It is the way the mind, the ego operates. It's the way of being human. One of the benefits we desperately try to get is to feel SAFE. SAFETY is an essential, core need. If there's a hint of a threat to not getting a perceived need met, to avoid struggle, to distract because it's easier that way, well then lying is a way to accomplish that. It gets the job done, and no you do not have to like it or empower the lie. Still, we all need to feel safe. Our kids, in all the chaos, shame, desperation, will do whatever they need to do to restore safety. How many of us just want them to feel safe? We just have different perspectives of how to be safe. One way, in their world, in order to BE SAFE is to LIE. We might think "he/she is never going to stop lying". Could be true. Let me tell you some things that are even truer:
Here are some possible responses to lies to consider if they feel true for you:
For Peace, Joanne (in honor of Nancy) When we love someone who struggles with substance use and addiction, it is all too common to believe the thought “he/she might not be able to do IT for themselves”. Of course, it doesn’t mean we always believe that, it’s just that if we’re totally honest, we can sometimes believe that thought. At least I do sometimes when the rug is pulled out from under my feet, again. Another slip. Things were going ok for about a month after another slip, and another, and another. Years of other slips. It makes sense that the thought “he might not be able to do IT for himself” will show up. So I'm not going to judge the thought. It has a right to show up. And when it does, the stress is so potent that the kindest thing I can possibly do (for me and my son) is to question it. Pain becomes the guide, the teacher, the path to peace when these thoughts and beliefs want to say otherwise. Join me in this exploration, to find truths that arise in the stillness of an open mind, an open heart. 1. I can not possibly know the future, his future, my future. What does “it” even mean? Abstinence? Just not being homeless? Staying alive? Only smoking weed? 2. When I believe the thought, even if briefly, I can barely think of anything else except worrying about his future, my future. I leave my wisdom, my heart, I go into fear, imagined worst case scenarios … and it is painful. I doubt him, I doubt the benevolence of Love itself. This thought might try to help save me from further pain to anticipate it, however, it actually causes more pain. There would be no preparation to worse. The worse is already happening in my mind and imagination. And to put my son there hurts him, hurts me, hurts the love I can feel now, now, now. I have left love, no wonder it hurts. I know Love wants me back though, I want it back too. 3. I know to question the thought, to give myself an opportunity to contemplate this situation without believing the whole story of him not being able to do IT. And when I don't believe the thought to be the only truth, I am available to breathe deeply into now, into the support of my chair, the deep breaths that keep grounding and centering me enough to be moved throughout the day without crumbling, to notice imagination vs just not knowing. Not knowing is far kinder. I become kinder to me, knowing I will be kind and compassionate in this unfolding situation as best I can. Again, the only IT I really need is to try and show up as Love, loving, acknowledging he has IT – he has Love too! 4. I can not do IT for him. I wish I could. But, if I go to war with that reality, I suffer. If I suffer in that argument with the way things are, my relationship with him is sure to suffer too. I don't like it, but it is the way it is. What can I do? This work, from fear to love, and loving. I don’t know the future, do you? We can not. What we can know is to set our minds, our hearts, set intentions to love now, and the next now as best we can. It will be imperfect and so much better than not doing this work. The way back to the awareness of love is through the fear. This is one of the most powerful ways I do that. Questioning the fears. Love finds me every time. It can find you too! The answer is LOVE, always. How does Love show up and how do we join it? What do we need to join it, to take care of our fears, to take care of our needs, to take care of the ones we love so dearly without imposing a scary future onto them, onto ourselves, onto now? Now is where Love lives. Love wins! For Peace, It’s so easy for the imagination to take us to the worst case scenarios. The thoughts explode: My child is hurt, dead, dying, lost to me, I’ll never see them again. We put our dear children into this very frightening and painful future, and we lose ourselves, we lose our children, we lose the awareness of love, the peace of it.
I have found the safest place for my child is to notice when my fear takes me into the nightmare and to breathe into right now, breathe into my heart, or I am going to spin into the future nightmare and grow it. That's not what I want to grow, and I'm surely thinking you don't either. To notice when I'm in my scary imagination, and then to question the truth of what I’m believing and imagining allows just enough space to let Love show me a kinder way, a more peaceful way. It brings me out of my mind and into my heart. When it seems I’m losing my mind, yes please let me lose the fearful one! My heart becomes the safest place for me and my child. He is always safe there. He is safest when I question the very truth of what I’m imagining and believing. Is what I'm believing, imagining for sure absolutely accurate? Most times, it is an assumption, a fear, an imagined story of the past or future. Is it true my son is lost to me? Or is it truer I lost him to my fears? Yes, truer. Is it truer I lost me? Yes, there I go into the future that isn’t even here yet, and I lose the awareness of a connection that transcends time and space. I lose the awareness of love. No wonder it hurts! If I lose me, lose all that, I lose him. When I question my thoughts this way, peace has a chance, it arrives. My heart arrives. My son comes back to me and I don’t need to know where he is. He is here, in my heart, held by love itself. Fear can not have us, can not keep us. Love has found us. I can keep coming back this way. I send him the best of my love, without conditions, even if through time and space. I trust it gets where it needs to go, like a virtual hug. Unconditional love can do that. Fear can not. Just notice how much it hurts to be in the unquestioned fear, in the future imaginations that take us out of the present and into a nightmare. Where do our children really live? Always in our heart, in our kindest memory, in the wonders of life they have lived, the beauty in them, they have touched our lives, touched the world. They live in us as we honor life and love itself, to choose more of it. To go against our very soul that knows this, to go against Love itself may be the greatest pain we can experience. And Love can find us again and again and bring us back to sanity, to peace, to a kinder way. Love wins here! From my heart to yours, Joanne Have you ever found yourself frustrated that you really want something but it’s just so hard to make it happen? And maybe once you start a new goal, something happens and your best intentions are out the window?
How about these scenarios? I want to lose weight and I want to eat those cookies; I want to exercise or go to the gym and I don’t want to or can’t wake up early to fit it in; I want to go to Europe and I don’t want to spend the money; I want to switch jobs and I don’t want to shake up my life right now; I want to stop using substances and I don’t want to give up the thing that is reliable and available and helps me through the day. Notice the “and”. Notice how it is very possible to want something new, want some kind of change AND to also want something that will make it really hard to get it. This brings us to topic #3 from The Invitation to Change Approach ~ Ambivalence is Normal. Here’s an overview for your consideration: Ambivalence is Normal
Why it matters that Ambivalence is Normal
Life Application Ideas from Joanne:
I invite you to consider with an open mind, open heart, and with compassion how behaviors, emotions, attitudes actually make sense – in others and in yourself - and how there are many roads to travel, many ways to travel those roads, that we all have our unique perspective and thoughts about what will work for us, when and how AND even with the best intentions we might get sidetracked. Consider it's OK, put the puppy back on the paper and begin again. The time is always NOW. Breathe, touch your heart, feel the love in you, send it out to your child, to the world, to anyone who needs it. Love wins here! To learn more about The Invitation to Change Approach and access additional resources, please click here: https://cmcffc.org/about To Peace and Possibility! Joanne |
Weeds or Wishes ?
|